


As the Seeing Are the Blind

by enigmaticblue



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-21
Updated: 2005-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-07 15:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmaticblue/pseuds/enigmaticblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spike finds a welcome with someone other than Buffy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As the Seeing Are the Blind

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2005 round of the Livejournal community, Summer of Spike. The title is taken from e.e. cummings' poem "as freedom is a breakfast food".

  
**I**

Spike had known as soon as she’d opened the door. There was the split-second of surprise, followed by the shadow of regret in her eyes. It was easy to see that he’d been right. Buffy didn’t love him. Not really.

It wasn’t that she’d lied, but that she didn’t love him the way he loved her. Like that was new.

In some ways, Spike wasn’t sorry he’d left L.A. to find the Slayer. If he hadn’t, he would have always wondered. At least he knew now that he’d been right. It was cold comfort.

The meeting had been damn awkward though, after those first few seconds. Spike had seen Buffy struggling for words, for some way to tell him what she’d really meant down in the Hellmouth, while he’d been burning up from the inside out.

How did you tell a hero that you couldn’t love him?

In the end, Spike had made things easy on her. He’d stuck around for a day or two, slept on her couch, took the time to make up with Dawn. He’d apologized for attacking her sister and leaving; she’d apologized for threatening to set him on fire and hating him.

Then, he left.

Spike left in the dead of night, leaving only a note that said he understood and not to worry about him. Maybe it was the cowardly thing to do; he didn’t know. What he did know was that Buffy had said, slowly and with a lot of false starts, “I love you, Spike, but I don’t think we should be together.”

Knowing it was coming didn’t make it any easier to hear.

The trouble after that was figuring out where to go. As widely traveled as he was, Spike had memories from nearly every corner of the globe, and most of them weren’t particularly pleasant. Anywhere in Europe was too close to Buffy; Spike needed time away, space to put this love behind him, to bury it deep.

England was where Giles and the new Council were setting up headquarters. Spike had no desire to go there. Africa was out, and Asia didn’t appeal to him. Maybe in a few years.

He was tired of America.

In the end, Spike went to Brazil. Not that Brazil didn’t have its share of bad memories—the picture of Dru with the chaos demon still made him gag—but it was a little different. Besides, he liked Brazil. There was a very active night-life, and he often thought that half the country seemed to be nocturnal.

Spike decided it might be nice to lose himself for a while. He was tired of being the hero. What was the point when you ended up with empty hands? Besides, he’d done his part, hadn’t he? Died to save the world and all that. He was finished.

~~~~~

It worked for a while. Spike had never had a problem finding company, and therefore he never lacked for companions. He drank, got into a few fights, and sometimes went out hunting for demons. It kept up his skills, and he still liked a spot of violence before bed.

Some nights he danced with the pretty girls who flirted with him. Some nights he allowed them to ask him home with them, but he never stayed for long.

Spike found a rhythm that he could live with—drinking, shagging, fighting. It took the edge off a hunger that was never completely satiated.

Although, that particular desire had never really been satisfied, so he was fairly certain he wouldn’t know how to live without it.

It had been so long since he’d been truly happy that Spike didn’t miss it anymore.

He might have gone on like that forever, except that one night he saw her across the dance floor of a crowded club. Spike didn’t have anyone with him that night, nor had he planned on picking anyone up. In fact, he was feeling restless enough to warrant an all-night demon hunt through the darkest corridors of the city.

Running into an old acquaintance was the last thing he wanted.

Spike used the shadows in the club to his advantage, slipping out a side door before she spotted him. It was easy to keep track of the woman, even in the crowd. Her bright hair made her visible enough to avoid.

Once he’d made it out into the humid night air, Spike paused to consider splitting. Perhaps it was time to find a new country—or at least a new city. He discarded the idea almost as soon as it crossed his mind. He wasn’t tired of Rio yet, and he’d be damned if he was going to let the glimpse of the witch spoil his time here. Just as long as he didn’t run into that bitch of a Slayer she was dating, he’d be fine.

What he needed was a good hunt to clear his head. Kill a few demons, dust a few vampires, go home and sleep like the dead. He would just avoid this particular club from now on.

~~~~~

Despite popular opinion, Spike could make and carry out plans with the best of them. His intention to avoid Willow was perfectly successful for about a week. What he hadn’t counted on was the fact that Willow might want to see him.

Spike had drunk just enough tequila to give him a pleasant buzz when Willow appeared right in front of him. She emerged from the crowd—he’d almost say it was like magic, but that was a lame pun worthy of Harris.

“Hi, Spike.”

Her voice was even, maybe slightly amused, and he scowled in reply. Spike wasn’t feeling friendly. “What are you doing here?”

“Free country,” Willow said cheerfully. “I saw you the other night, but you didn’t stop to say hello.”

“Maybe I didn’t want to see you,” was his ungracious reply. Spike briefly considered another shot of tequila before deciding against it and heading out of the club. He wove through the crowd, hoping that the witch would get the hint and not follow him.

No luck there.

“Where are you going?” Willow gave no hint that she noticed his rudeness.

Spike groaned. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”

“Spike—” Her hand was on his arm. “Buffy told me what happened.”

He stiffened under her hand. “What of it?”

“She was worried about you,” Willow replied. “She wanted me to do a locator spell on you.”

Spike laughed. “Well, it took you long enough to catch up with me.”

“Maybe that wasn’t the plan.” Willow’s voice was gentle. “She just wanted to make sure you hadn’t done anything stupid.”

“Like what?” At the look on her face, Spike started laughing. “Bloody hell! It’s still all about her, isn’t it? Buffy turns me down, and she thinks I’m goin’ to meet the sun. Now you’ve seen me, you can tell her I’m doing just fine.”

Spike thought about stalking off into the night, but Willow’s hand was still on his arm. He could have easily brushed it off; she wasn’t holding him there. There was something about the familiarity of her—the sight, the scent, the touch—it touched him at a deeper level than he’d thought it would. “What do you want?” Spike asked quietly.

“Why don’t we go get something to eat?” Willow suggested, still smiling at him. “I can catch you up on all the gossip.” When Spike hesitated, she dangled her carrot. “Dawn will be happy to know I ran into you.”

Spike couldn’t deny that he was curious about how his Niblet was doing, so he nodded shortly, turning to accompany her.

The restaurant Willow chose was a small one, and still busy even at the later hour. “They’ve got really good food here,” she offered.

“Yeah,” Spike replied, his tone noncommittal as he stared at the menu. It wasn’t that he didn’t like human food, but that it felt strange to sit here with Willow. None of the Slayer’s friends had ever treated him like this in the past.

They’d never been so considerate.

“So what have you been up to?” Willow asked, as though they were two old friends who hadn’t seen each other for a while.

Spike put his menu down and stared at her. “What is this?”

“What’s what?”

“What is this?” he repeated in a low, harsh voice. “What do you want from me?”

Willow regarded him calmly. “Spike, you died to save the world. I was just curious about how you were. Besides, I told you. Buffy was worried about you. She’ll be glad to know you’re okay.”

“Right, I’m okay,” Spike muttered. “Let’s just leave it there, shall we?” He was about to get up to leave, but Willow stopped him with a glare.

“Stop it.” She frowned. “If you never want to see me after tonight, fine, but at least stick around and have dinner with me.”

“Why should I?” Spike asked. “We’re not old friends, witch. I don’t see why we should start acting like it now just because I played the hero.”

Willow rolled her eyes. “And you wonder why we didn’t want to hang out with you?” she asked rhetorically. Spike made another move to leave, and Willow sighed. “It’s nice for me to see a familiar face too, you know.”

Spike gave her a sour look and then settled back into his chair. “Fine. Where’s that girl you were dating? Kennedy, right?”

“We’re not together anymore,” Willow said.

“Thought you two were pretty close.”

“False sense of closeness,” she replied. “After a while—it just didn’t work out.”

Spike shifted in his chair uncomfortably. Being nice was one thing, sharing confidences was something else altogether. “Sorry to hear that,” he mumbled.

“Are you really?” Willow asked, amused. “I think everybody else said ‘I told you so.’”

Spike shrugged. “It’s hard to be alone.”

That simple statement revealed quite a bit more than he’d meant it to, and Willow’s face softened with compassion. At the same time, she couldn’t really say she was sorry. If Buffy wasn’t in love with him, it was better that she not try to make it work. “Where are you staying?”

His face closed down. “Here and there. Nowhere in particular.”

Willow took the hint. “If you need a place, let me know. I’ve got some extra room now.”

“Thanks, but you wouldn’t want me for a flatmate,” Spike scoffed.

She didn’t argue. Instead, she reached into her bag and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen, scribbling down an address. “Just in case.” Willow smiled at him. “You never know when you’ll need a witch.”

Spike took the paper, almost unwillingly, and then shoved it deep into one of his pockets. He had no intention of taking Willow up on her offer, but she was right. There might come a time when he needed a witch. “Thanks.” The silence hung between them for a few minutes before he asked, “So you said you had news about Dawn?”

**II**

Spike had no desire to see Willow after that dinner. It had been nice to catch up, nice to see a familiar face, as she’d said. It really was a little too much like old times, though, seeing her, especially when he was trying to put Sunnydale and the Slayer behind him.

Without the urge to avoid her, however, Spike wasn’t doing quite so much to ensure he wasn’t seen. Knowing that Kennedy—who might have staked first and asked questions later—wasn’t around made him slightly less careful while he went out hunting.

He wasn’t seeking Willow out, but he wasn’t avoiding her now.

Over the next couple of weeks there were a few run-ins with a small group of young Slayers. Willow must have warned them about him, because they mostly left him alone. Once he watched as they took down a large nest of vampires, stepping in only when he deemed it strictly necessary.

It somehow made a difference, oddly enough, to know he was in a city with an acquaintance, if not a friend. There was a small part of him that relaxed, ever so slightly. It was nice.

And the next time Willow came up to him in a club, Spike unbent enough to buy her a drink.

~~~~~

Willow hadn’t actually told Buffy where Spike was after doing the locator spell. All the Slayer had really wanted was to know that he was still alive—or undead.

When Buffy had called, Willow had caught the undercurrent in her voice that suggested her friend was close to tears. She had explained that Spike had returned from the grave and had come to see her, but she told him that she didn’t love him and he’d left. Would Willow make sure he hadn’t done something stupid like dust himself?

As much as Willow loved Buffy, she had to admit the Slayer seemed to find romantic relationships impossible to maintain. Willow had watched her friend mourn Spike’s passing, and she knew that Buffy was in love with him. She was fairly certain—after hearing a frantic Buffy’s attempt to remain calm during the request for a spell—that Buffy still loved Spike.

The whole story had come out after Spike had dusted in the Hellmouth. Willow hadn’t really lost anyone she cared for deeply during the fight with the First, and so she’d been named the shoulder to cry on. The fact that she really hadn’t hated Spike in the end made her particularly suited to listen to Buffy’s teary, rambling explanation of what they had been to each other.

Willow believed that Buffy was still trying to hang on to that ideal of a normal life, and that was why she’d turned Spike away. She’d convinced herself that she wasn’t really in love with another vampire because she couldn’t stand the thought of losing what small semblance of normalcy she’d managed to find.

The oddest part was that those who had the best shot of leaving the Hellmouth and all it entailed behind—Xander and Dawn, for instance—seemed most inclined to relax and let life come as it would, vampires, demons, and all. Willow had long ago accepted that her life wouldn’t be normal; the magic prevented that.

Willow couldn’t have explained why she felt it necessary to continue seeking him out. True, Spike could be pleasant company when he wanted to be, and he was attractive, but that generally wasn’t enough for Willow to expend as much effort as she was.

If she had to pin down her motives, she probably would have said that it had something to do with residual guilt. When a person dies to save the world, you tend to reassess your treatment of that person, even if he was a vampire. Willow’s conclusion was that none of the Scoobies had treated Spike very well.

It wasn’t the only regret she had, but it was probably the only one she could do something about.

When she heard that Spike had assisted a group of the Slayers out on patrol, Willow got a faint glimmer of an idea. It was probably stupid, and she’d most likely end up paying for it later somehow, but it wouldn’t go away.

Willow frowned, thinking it over. It would have to be done carefully. Spike was like a feral cat at this point—all too wary of anything remotely domesticated and likely to bolt at any moment.

She would move slowly, that was all. If Spike took off, well, Willow couldn’t exactly blame him. It wasn’t like he owed her any favors.

~~~~~

Neither of them ever said anything. There was no formal arrangement made. Even if Willow had wanted one, she knew that Spike didn’t. He was happier when he could pretend this was all by chance and happenstance.

There was no denying that they enjoyed the other’s company, however. Enough so that Spike would drop casual hints about where he would be and what he’d be doing. Enough so that Willow would mention a restaurant she wanted to try.

Spike had always found the witch attractive, even back when he’d first come to Sunnydale. With those years long behind him, he could chuckle over her attempts to comfort him when the chip had prevented him from biting her. These days she was as off limits as the Slayer had been, although it was because of her sexual preferences, not because she seemed determined to place herself out of reach.

Quite the opposite, really.

Spike looked up at her, bemused, as she tried to tug him out on the dance floor. “Come on, Spike. I know you can dance.” It was said in a teasing tone, and she ignored his hesitation, continuing to pull on his hand. “Please? I haven’t been able to dance with anybody in a long time.”

He gave up after a moment and allowed her to pull him out on the floor. Willow wasn’t quite as much of a spaz as she’d been back in high school. These days she could do pretty well for herself. With Spike’s hands splayed on her hips, it was even easier to slow down, to let the music seep into her bones.

To feel sexy.

Whatever her faults, and Willow wasn’t blind to them, Kennedy had made her feel sexy. Spike could do the same thing just by virtue of his presence. She had to wonder if it wasn’t some kind of vampiric charisma.

Spike danced with her and felt a stirring in his soul—among other places. Willow might be gay now, but he was neither blind nor immune to her charms. It got worse when she glanced up at him, catching his eyes and giving him a bright smile. “Having fun?” she mouthed, not wanting to shout over the din.

“Yeah,” he replied. “’m havin’ a grand old time.”

Walking her home that night, as he had every night they’d gone out together, Spike was quiet. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Don’t think they’d be worth that much, luv,” he replied quietly. “You heard from Dawn lately?”

He hadn’t once asked after Buffy, although Willow had occasionally dropped bits of information his way. Spike did his best not to respond, and Willow was kind enough to allow him the fiction of having gotten over her.

“Yeah, she’s doing good,” Willow replied. “She said to say hi.”

He nodded absently. “That’s nice.”

“I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind doing me a favor?” Willow asked.

Spike frowned. “That would depend on the favor,” he replied, his face closed off and wary.

Willow realized that they’d long since used up their credit with him. He had given them all he could give, and they’d used him badly in return. She didn’t blame Spike for hesitating. “I was thinking you might be able to help me with some of the training. Of the Slayers.”

Spike opened his mouth to protest, and Willow hurried on. “I haven’t mentioned it to anyone yet, Spike, so if you say no, it’s okay. There’s no harm done. It’s just that after Kennedy left, the girls were kind of lost. I mean, we’ve gotten martial arts trainers, but eventually they’re going to have to go elsewhere. Unless we could find someone to stay here.”

Spike frowned, his face like a thundercloud. “No.”

“The Council would pay you and everything,” Willow cajoled.

“No,”he repeated. “I don’t need a bunch of Slayers—”

Willow didn’t need to be a genius to read between the lines. “It’s okay, Spike. They know about you. You’re a hero.”

“I am not!” Spike shot back. “I just did what I had to, that’s all. There’s nothing special ‘bout that.”

Willow wasn’t sure where this was all coming from, but it was the most open Spike had been with her in the couple months since she’d run into him. There was no way she would jeopardize that. “Okay.”

He was taken aback by her ready acquiescence. “Okay?”

“There are only about eight or nine,” Willow said. “I’m sure Giles can find a place for them. It will be kind of far away from their families, and that’ll be tough for them, but I’m sure—”

“What do you want from me?” Spike demanded abruptly. “Is this what this has been all about?”

“What this, Spike?” Willow asked, confused by his question.

“This!” He waved to indicate the two of them and the surrounding nightscape. “All of this. Going out, the dinners, all of it.”

Willow raised an eyebrow. “No, that was because I was lonely, and I enjoyed your company. If you have a problem with that, I don’t have to bother you again.”

It was a risk, since Willow didn’t particularly want him to run off. He had first been a familiar face, but Spike was more than that now. He was a friend. Her friends were too far from her these days.

“No.” Spike’s eyes softened as he realized that she hadn’t been using him. She had enjoyed his company. More importantly, she’d admitted it to his face. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good,” Willow replied. “It would be nice to have you around more.”

Spike merely shook his head and neatly changed the subject by commenting on the club they’d gone to, a new venue for the both of them.

Willow merely smiled, knowing now that the seed was planted, it was just a matter of time.

**III**

Spike had absolutely no intention of taking Willow up on her offer of steady employment. Sure he’d helped train the Potentials back in Sunnydale, but that had been because the end of the world was looming. If he took this job it would be tantamount to making a commitment to settle down.

He didn’t want to settle down. Nor did he want to be the hero.

Spike had always been the inquisitive sort, though. Now that Willow had asked him to take an interest in the young Slayers, he decided to see what he might be getting himself into. Not that he was going to get into anything, mind you.

They were all young, of course, around Dawn’s age. As Willow had said, there were about eight or nine of them. As he followed, Spike noticed that one of them was too impulsive, constantly leaving herself open for attack. Another was too timid, hanging back from the fight. Each of them had obvious flaws in their fighting style, and he found that he wanted to do something about it.

Someone had to or they’d all end up dead.

When he showed up on Willow’s doorstep one evening, about a week after she’d made her suggestion, Spike had a few conditions to taking on the task. “I can leave anytime I want,” he said. “This isn’t a long term commitment.”

“Okay,” Willow agreed. “If that’s what you want.”

“And they have to listen to me,” Spike insisted. “’m not havin’ one of them thinkin’ she knows better than me just because she’s a Slayer. I’ve been around a lot longer than any of them.”

Willow hid a smile. “Well, you are the teacher.”

“Does Buffy know?”

The question came from out of left field, and Willow was slightly taken aback. “Does Buffy know what?”

“About this? About any of it?”

There was a thread of vulnerability in Spike’s voice that Willow found endearing. He could be extremely prickly, but when you got past the surface bluster, that’s all it was. Just surface. Under it all, Spike was just a big softie. “She knows you’re here,” Willow said gently. “And that we’ve been hanging out.”

“You told her?”

Willow shrugged. “We talked last week and she asked what I’d been up to since Kennedy left. I told her that I was lonely but better with you around. I wasn’t going to lie to her.”

Spike didn’t seem to know what to do with that. “Oh.”

“Did you not want me to say anything?” she asked.

He shrugged in reply. “I don’t know. It’s fine. I just—” Spike took an unnecessary breath. “Is she—seeing anybody?”

“Yes.” Willow didn’t want to lie to him, but she could see that the single word had hurt him badly. She hated being the bearer of bad news.

Spike looked down at his hands. He wished the news didn’t hurt; he wished he had been able to move on to someone else. Willow’s hand slipped into his, although he didn’t look up. He didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes that he knew would be there. “Yeah. Girl like Buffy wouldn’t stay single long.”

“Spike.” Willow waited until he looked up into her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

She was, although not in a pitying sort of way. She understood how much it hurt to watch someone else move on, especially when you couldn’t seem to get past it yourself.

“It’s okay,” he replied gruffly. “Had to happen sometime. Wasn’t like she was going to stay with me. I gave up on the idea of us a long time ago.”

But he hadn’t, not really. Spike was nothing if not optimistic, and he’d long harbored the hope that Buffy would finally come to her senses.

Willow just squeezed his hand, understanding. “Do you want something to eat?”

“No thanks, luv. Don’t really feel like goin’ out tonight,” Spike replied. He would have risen, but Willow maintained her grip on his hand.

“Not out,” she corrected him. “Here. I got blood for you. Maybe tomorrow you’ll want to meet the girls.”

Spike hesitated, then nodded. Maybe this was what he needed, he thought. Something to keep his mind off Buffy. If he stayed busy, that could work. It might give him what he needed to ignore the ache in his heart.

~~~~~~

The Slayers were gratifyingly receptive. Willow hadn’t been kidding when she said he was a hero, or at least they viewed him as such. Unlike some people he could name, they listened when he said their form was off, or that they were rushing in or hanging back. While they all spoke some English, Spike spoke both Spanish and Portugese fluently, and so they got on famously.

Occasionally one of the girls would get snippy, and then Willow often stepped in to reprimand them. “Spike is using his valuable time to make sure you don’t die,” she would say bluntly. “I’d listen to him if I were you.”

Perhaps the most interesting part of all was the change in his relationship with Willow. They spent nearly every evening together now, talking over the girls’ training, their personalities—and then swiftly moving on to their own lives.

A month went by, and then two, and Spike realized that he was thinking about Buffy less and less. When he dreamt, it wasn’t of the Slayer, but of a certain witch. He cursed himself for an idiot, and tried to ignore his attraction. It wasn’t like it could go anywhere.

At least, that’s what Spike thought.

Willow, for her part, was thinking she might have been a trifle hasty when defining her sexual orientation. She definitely liked girls, but Spike was looking more and more tasty as the days went by. And why not? He was very sweet with her, patient with the Slayers, and hot.

Oh, boy, was he hot.

She often heard the girls twittering over him. A couple of them had been swooning over the sight of him shirtless after one of the more rigorous training sessions.

Willow had very nearly joined them.

The problem was that Spike was in love with Buffy. Spike would probably always be in love with Buffy, and he’d shown absolutely no interest in her other than as a friend. At this point, Willow probably would have said that Spike was her best friend.

Sometimes Willow wondered what it would be like to sleep with Spike. She liked him, and she was definitely attracted, and she missed sex. Would it ruin their friendship? Or would it be good?

Then, one night, he kissed her.

It wasn’t a chaste kiss by any stretch of the imagination. Neither of them were drunk, but there was enough alcohol in their systems to lower their inhibitions slightly, to make them a little more relaxed than they might have been otherwise. It was one of the rare nights where there was no patrol, no training, no crisis to deal with.

Spike immediately started to apologize when she pulled back from him. He had ruined things, he was sure of it. She’d hate him now, or be angry. Willow didn’t even like men. She stilled his words with gentle fingers laid over his lips. “Don’t. It was nice.”

“I know you’re not interested in me like that,” Spike said, faltering slightly. “It’s just—”

“It’s just that we’re friends, and we like each other, and we’re both lonely,” Willow interrupted. “Maybe we could take this to the next level.”

“You’re—”

“The first person I fell in love with was a guy, Spike,” Willow reminded him with a smile. “I know what I’m doing.”

He shook his head. “If it’s goin’ to change things—I don’t want that.”

“What if it changes things for the better?” Willow challenged. “I like girls, Spike, but that doesn’t mean I can’t like guys too. And I really like you.”

“Yeah?” he asked, with the lift of his eyebrow. “I’m fond of you myself, pet.”

Willow drew his head down to hers again. This kiss was just as deep and bordered on being out of control. Spike could feel a slow fire building between them, Willow’s hands heating his skin where they touched down.

There was a small voice in the back of his head that warned him to pull back, that said nothing good could come of this. He feared a repeat of his relationship with Buffy; Spike didn’t think he could take another rejection. Maybe he didn’t love Willow, but he could. He was very close to doing so. To have her walk away from him—it would destroy him.

Then desire swept out the more cautious thoughts. It had always been thus; Spike was a man led by his blood, his emotions. He didn’t always do the smart thing, and this occasion was no exception.

So he did what he could to please her, to make certain that Willow was satisfied, in the vain hope that she wouldn’t want to leave him.

And afterwards, they both slept.

~~~~~

Willow woke to the sound of a telephone ringing and the feel of a muscled arm over her stomach, unfamiliar and yet comfortable. She reached blindly for the handset, not bothering to dislodge Spike, who was still nestled behind her. “H’lo,” she said sleepily.

“Willow? Is this a bad time?” It was Giles’ voice, and he sounded concerned.

Willow briefly debated telling him that, yes, it was a bad time because she was pleasantly exhausted from having sex with Spike. She discarded the idea. Maybe another time, when she’d actually be able to see the look on his face.

“No, it’s okay,” she replied. “I was just sleeping.”

The concern was still there. “Are you alright?”

Willow glanced at the clock, seeing that it was just past noon. No wonder Giles sounded worried. She never slept this late anymore. “I’m fine,” she replied. “I was just up late last night with Spike.”

“How is that working out?” Giles asked. “You said it was going well, but—”

“It’s perfect, Giles,” Willow assured him. “Everything is going really, really well.” She sighed. “What’s up? I’m guessing this isn’t just a social call.”

“We—that is, Buffy and I—were thinking about visiting,” Giles replied. “I also thought I might see if you have room for a couple more Slayers. There have been two more found, under rather trying circumstances, I might add. I think it would be a good idea if they’re with you.”

Willow had no idea why they would be better off with her and Spike than somewhere else, but she wasn’t going to argue—not when she felt Spike’s body stiffen. He was awake, and listening, and he was probably getting nervous about what he was hearing.

“When?” she asked cautiously.

“We’d be there within the week,” Giles replied. “Unless there’s some reason that we shouldn’t come…”

The head Watcher trailed off, letting the unspoken question hang between them. “Who all would be coming?” Willow asked, trying to sound cheerful, and grabbing Spike’s hand when she felt him start to pull away.

“Buffy and I, of course,” Giles replied. “I imagine she’ll bring her boyfriend. I’m not sure yet if Dawn wants to come or not.”

Willow bit back a sigh. This relationship was too new, this visit was too soon and too great a trial. It would be better if she and Spike had been able to have some time together, time to get used to this new step. Instead, they would be faced with not only Buffy but Buffy’s boyfriend.

Even though Spike and Buffy weren’t together, Willow had a feeling that the Slayer would still feel that she’d broken the eleventh commandment: “Thou shalt not sleep with thy best friend’s boyfriend, past or present.”

“Just let me know who’s coming and when, Giles,” she said. “And I think it might be better if you guys stay in a hotel. Spike is living with me right now, and things could get really awkward.”

Willow felt Spike straighten up behind her, and she knew he was surprised at her forthrightness. Really, what did he think? That she was going to try and hide her relationship with him from the others while they were here? Please. She could date whomever she wanted. She’d proved that with Kennedy.

“Spike is staying with you?” Giles’ tone was remarkably even. “I see. How long has this been going on?”

“Not long,” Willow admitted. “But it’s been coming for a while. You know, two formerly evil people, working side by side, things happen.” Spike let out a snort of laughter, swiftly stifled.

The sound of a throat being cleared followed her words, and Willow could have sworn she heard him polishing his glasses. “Yes, well, you’re an adult now, so—” Giles broke off. “I’ll call to inform you of the arrangements.” He quickly said his goodbyes, and Willow hung up the phone.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Willow said.

Spike’s eyes went wide. “Mind what?”

“That I said you were staying here. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want, but I thought it would be easier. You’re here all the time anyway, and—” she broke off. “You can stop me anytime.”

He smiled tenderly. “Why would I want to do that?” Spike brushed a strand of bright red hair out of her eyes. “You sure you want this, luv? I could just as easily disappear for a week or so while they’re here.”

“Do you want to disappear?” Willow asked seriously. “I mean, if you don’t want to see Buffy. I’d understand.”

Spike sighed. “Might as well get it over with. Don’t think I’d be able to avoid her forever, not if I keep hangin’ around with you.”

Their eyes met and held, and Willow was quiet for a long moment. “What is this?”

“What do you want it to be?”

She pressed closer into his chest. “I don’t know. I really like you, and you smell nice, and it’s good to be with a guy again, you know?” At his puzzled look, Willow explained, “I like being with women, but it’s a different kind of good. This is—this is really nice.”

“I really like you too,” Spike said finally, echoing her words. “I wish—” he stopped there, giving her a rueful smile. “Never mind.”

“You’re my friend, Spike,” Willow said firmly. “No matter what. So maybe we’re orgasm buddies, like Anya would have said. Or maybe this becomes more than that. I’m open to the possibilities.”

There were a lot of possibilities, Spike knew. They might continue like this for a while, only to have Willow find a girl she liked and decide she didn’t want him anymore. Of course, Spike never had been one to weigh the consequences of his actions. He just acted, and then dealt with whatever came next.

Besides, he thought it might be kind of nice to meet Buffy again with a different girl on his arm. Not to make her jealous, just to show her he’d moved on.

Especially if she was going to bring a boyfriend with her.

“She knows I’m here, right?” Spike asked. “I mean, you told her.”

“You know I told her,” Willow replied. She wanted to kiss his hurt and make it better. Buffy knew Spike was here, and yet she was going to bring a boyfriend with her. It was probably out of self-protection, to show Spike that she’d been right, she had moved on. Willow thought it simply demonstrated an amazing thoughtlessness on her friend’s part.

He blinked, looked away. “Yeah.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Willow insisted, running a hand over his face. “It’s going to be fine.”

But it did matter, and it probably wasn’t going to be fine, and they both knew it.

It might have been why their lovemaking that afternoon held an edge of desperation to it.

**IV**

Spike wanted to beat a hasty retreat. He wanted to get out of Rio for a week or two, maybe take a few of the Slayers with him to pass it off as business. The last thing he wanted was to see Buffy again, or to see whatever new wanker she was going with now.

He didn’t, though. He wondered if Willow knew how much it cost him to stay, and he knew he’d never tell her. If he left, it would hurt her, and Spike refused to do that, even at the expense of his own comfort.

Telling himself that he wasn’t in love with her, Spike packed the last of his things and glanced around his motel room. It wasn’t much, and he wasn’t sorry to leave it, but it still felt strange. Willow had insisted that he stay with her for the time being. “You can leave again after they’re gone,” she had assured him. “I’ll understand. But I think it might make you feel better to be here.”

She was right about that much, even though Buffy would probably be pissed enough to stake him. Even if he wasn’t actually in love with Willow, he cared about her. It would feel good to have Buffy see that he’d moved on even as she took pains to make sure he knew she had.

Spike still wasn’t sure exactly how this had happened. He still had feelings for Buffy, but Willow—

He threw the duffel over his shoulder and left the room without a backwards glance.

~~~~~

Willow had been half-afraid that Spike would disappear—if not for good, then at least for as long as Buffy decided to stay. It scared her to know how much she’d miss him if he did leave. Spike hadn’t even been around that long, but she’d gotten used to his presence so quickly.

He surprised her once again; Spike was always surprising her. He settled into her apartment without a fuss, although he put his things in her spare room, rather than in her bedroom. If he wanted his space, Willow would give it to him. She had no desire to chase him off.

Instead of distancing himself, as she’d suspected he might, Spike seemed intent on proving something—to her, to himself, to the others when they came—Willow wasn’t sure.

She worried about him.

“Are you coming with me to pick them up at the airport?” she asked the day before Giles and the others were to arrive. “Dawn should be there.”

Spike hesitated, then finally nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

“Spike, you don’t have to do this,” Willow said suddenly. “I mean, I know I said you should stay, and I want you to, but if you need to go—”

He cut her off with a wave of his hand. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Because—”

“I’ll be fine,” he repeated more forcefully. “Don’t fuss, Red. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can,” she shot back with some asperity. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to take care of you. That’s what friends do. I seem to remember you taking care of me out on patrol a few nights ago.”

They had taken the girls out on a training exercise. Willow had gone along to practice her defensive magicks, and had been attacked by a vampire. Before she’d even had the chance to formulate a spell, it had been dust. She’d been really pissed off at him for stepping in as he had.

Spike shrugged. “That’s different.”

“How?” she demanded. “I know this is hard for you, Spike.”

“When has it been easy?”

Willow bit back a sigh. There was no dealing with him when he was in this sort of mood. He’d probably be impossible to live with all during Buffy’s stay. Of course, she wasn’t always the most pleasant of companions, so it wasn’t like she could talk.

Spike had, after all, been more than kind the last time she’d seen Kennedy with a new girl, just a month ago.

“All I’m saying is that if you need to take off or something, just let me know, okay?” Willow finally said. “I’ll understand.”

“Know you will, luv,” Spike replied quietly. “’m sorry for bein’ such a pain in the arse.”

She placed a kiss on his forehead. “What are friends for?”

~~~~~

Spike thought about her words on the near-silent ride to the airport. They were friends, and he had no idea how that had happened.

He didn’t regret it, not hardly. Spike was fairly certain that he’d never had a lover who was also a friend. Drusilla was his dark princess, and Harmony had simply been—and he winced at the thought—convenient.

Buffy—well, Buffy might have been both if the timing had been right. If she hadn’t died, or maybe if things had been different after she was brought back. Or possibly if they had managed to make love before he’d died or if he hadn’t died at all… The possibility had been there, but it had never been fulfilled. They had been friends, and they had been lovers, but never at the same time.

Maybe that’s what had him confused about this relationship. Spike had never done things this way before. It felt good, almost too good. Spike kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the pain to start, because wasn’t that what love was? Pain?

“Penny for your thoughts?”

A smile touched his lips at the familiar words. “What will you tell them, Red?”

“The truth,” Willow replied easily. “That you’re staying with me, that we’re partners, that I really like you. What else would I tell them?”

“You’d be surprised,” Spike said, his tone wry. “There are a lot of things you could say.”

“But why not the truth? They’d find out sooner or later anyway.”

“If this lasts.”

Willow wanted to take offense at that rather depressing statement, but she couldn’t. “Why wouldn’t it last?”

Spike blinked. “Willow—”

“Well, why?” she repeated, her tone growing more heated in spite of her best efforts. “You like me, right?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“And I like you,” she said, speaking quickly, one hand off the wheel, gesturing. “We get along really well, and I think we have fun together. We do, don’t we?”

“Sure, Red, but—”

“So what’s the big deal?” she asked. “Why wouldn’t this work? Because I’m thinking we have all the ingredients for success.”

Spike blinked. When she put it that way, it did make sense. “What if you meet another girl?”

Willow frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“If you prefer women…” He left it hanging, but Willow knew immediately what he was talking about.

She sighed. “I’m not with you just to get me over the hump, Spike. I’m with you because I like you. Besides, I’m not on the lookout for something better, or for a woman that I like better. When I’m with someone, I’m with someone.”

“Then you’re with me?”

There was a vulnerability in his face that Willow didn’t often see, although she knew it was there. Oddly enough, she’d heard it after he’d gotten the chip, first when he tried to bite her, and then later when he’d tried to stake himself. “Yes, I’m with you, you dope.” She smiled to take the sting from her words. “I don’t know what that means yet, but I think we can officially say we’re a couple.”

“Alright,” Spike replied, mustering up a smile for her, even though it wasn’t a very convincing one.

It hurt, Willow realized, to know that she wasn’t his first choice. She wondered what would happen if Buffy changed her mind. Maybe the Slayer would take one look at him and realize she’d really screwed up. Maybe Spike would go back to her.

And maybe he should. As much as it pained Willow to even think about it, maybe Spike should go back to her, if it would make him happy.

Even if she wasn’t precisely in love with him, Willow loved him enough to want Spike to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her.

~~~~~

The meeting at the airport was as awkward as Spike had feared it would be. The only person who didn’t seem to be affected was Dawn, who gave both him and Willow big hugs. “I’m expecting the full tour,” she informed him matter-of-factly. “This is my vacation, and I want to play tourist.”

Spike smiled, recognizing the escape route when it was offered. Dawn understood his discomfort and had just given him the perfect opportunity to get out of as many group activities as possible. “I’d be happy to show you around, Bit. Long as it’s after dark.”

Giles, Buffy, and Buffy’s new boyfriend all scowled at his inadvertant reference to his vampire-status.

Willow broke the silence. “Is anybody hungry?” she chirped. “There’s this great little restaurant nearby. I know you guys will love it.”

They made their way back to the van. It was Council-issue, and normally used to haul Slayers around, when hauling was required. Buffy and Giles were both plying Willow with questions, while Buffy’s boyfriend—Grant-something—hung onto the Slayer’s hand. Spike might have felt a little left out, but Dawn tucked her hand into his arm.

“So, how’s Brazil?”

“Good,” Spike replied. “’Bout like I remembered it.”

“And you and Willow?” she asked. “Giles said that you guys were living together now.”

“She has a two bedroom flat.” Spike shrugged. “Made sense with how much I was over there. We work pretty closely together.”

“That’s all it is? Just co-workers?”

Spike raised an eyebrow at her arch tone. “If you know differently, why are you askin’?”

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Because I want to hear it from the horse’s mouth. I haven’t heard from you since you left Italy, Spike.”

Her voice carried a reproach, and Spike probably would have flushed if he could have. “I just—I needed some time, luv.”

“I know.” She squeezed his arm in lieu of a full hug. “I get that. But you and Willow?”

“We’re a couple,” he admittted. “Not sure where it’s goin’, though.”

Dawn decided not to push. “Are you gonna be okay?”

He knew what she was referring to without asking. “I’ll be fine.”

“If you need to get out, I’d be happy to go with you,” Dawn said. “I mean, I pretty much came to see you and Willow, so I’m all yours.”

It was a balm. “Glad to hear it.”

~~~~~

Spike tried. After about two hours of their company, however, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

It wasn’t that he was still in love with Buffy. (That was a discovery he wasn’t sorry to make.) It was that regret rose up in his chest and threatened to choke him. It was Giles’ disapproving looks, and Buffy’s over-obvious snogging with her boyfriend, and Dawn’s sympathetic glances. It was all of it combined, until Spike felt as though he was suffocating, even though he didn’t need to breathe.

He made it through dinner for Willow’s sake, and then he took her aside when Giles insisted on paying the bill. “I gotta go, luv.”

Willow’s eyes searched his, and she finally nodded, giving him a small smile. “Will I see you later?”

“Absolutely.” His caress was discreet—the brief touch of a finger to her cheek, but Willow understood what he was saying without words. This was too difficult, but it had nothing to do with her.

She smiled, deciding she didn’t want to be discreet. Willow pulled his head down, kissing him. It was quick, but decidedly not chaste. “Don’t keep me waiting.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

He stopped to have a word with Dawn about their plans for the next day, and then disappeared, heaving a sigh of relief. Spike slipped into predator mode without much thinking about it, intent on doing as much damage to the demon population as he could that night. At one point, he picked up a couple of the more advanced Slayers who were doing their nightly patrols, and they went for some larger game.

Hunting with the little ones was nothing like patrol had been with Buffy. She had been the leader then, and now the girls looked to him for direction. He was lead wolf, and they followed him without question.

Well, most of the time. They weren’t stupid, and when they did ask questions, they were usually good ones. Spike didn’t mind their questions then.

In the end, he and the girls managed to pull down a couple of Fyarls that had been causing trouble recently—no mean feat. He congratulated them on a job well done and reminded them that they’d be meeting Giles and Buffy the next day.

“Aren’t you going to be there?” Amalia asked in Portugese.

Spike shook his head, feigning regret. “I don’t feel like braving the sun tomorrow,” he replied in the same language. “Willow will be there.”

“Will you be around tomorrow night?” Malu asked, pouting slightly. She had been the impulsive one, but had learned to temper that tendency. She also had something of a crush on the vampire.

“Perhaps, little one,” he replied, teasing her.

Malu stuck her tongue out, and then she and Amalia headed off into the night, talking and giggling together.

It never ceased to amaze Spike how often he ended up being surrounded by women.

He made his way back to Willow’s flat slowly, taking his time. The others were staying in a hotel, but he didn’t want to interrupt a late-night gab-fest. In fact, if he didn’t see any of them again, it would be too soon.

Except for Dawn. That was a different story.

Spike let himself in with the key Willow had given him, unsurprised to see her on the couch, waiting for him. “How was patrol?”

“Good. Malu and Amalia are really coming along.”

“I wondered if you’d take any of the girls with you,” she commented, patting the cushion next to her. “How are you?”

Willow’s expression was more compassionate than upset. It gave him the strength to tell the truth. “Okay.” He hesitated. “She’s happy with that wanker.”

“That’s the impression I got, too,” Willow replied quietly. She still remembered coming on Tara in the hall at UC Sunnydale and thinking she was with another girl. It had hurt, even while she was glad that Tara was happy.

Spike looked up at her. “I’m not in love with her.”

“I see.”

“Why do I still miss her?” Spike shook his head, trying to rid himself of the sorrow that threatened to drown him. He might not still love the Slayer, but he was still drowning in her. “I could have made her happy, Red.”

Willow pulled him into a hug. “I think you could have.”

Spike buried his face in her neck. “Why are you bein’ so nice?”

“I don’t know,” Willow replied. “It’s not that hard.”

He pulled away slightly, long enough to kiss her hungrily. It was unfair in the extreme to use her presence as a salve for Buffy’s indifference. That wasn’t all it was, however, and Spike willed her to sense that through his touch, if not his words.

Spike wasn’t always very good at expressing himself, and the words refused to come at the moment.

Willow allowed herself to give in to his caresses. She was playing with fire, and there was a good possibility that she was going to get burned. There was also the possibility that something pretty good could come out of this.

She was a lot more into risk-taking than she’d once been.

~~~~~

Willow left Spike to sleep the next day. She was supposed to be meeting Buffy and Giles to discuss the logistics taking on the extra Slayers. Most of the girls were local, or at least were from Central and South America. The Council had arranged for them to live with a house mother and go to a local school. Their lives were as normal as they could get with their Slayerness, and they had each other for support.

That was a huge change from the old days.

In many ways, they acted like a girls’ sports team. Plenty of friendly competition and team spirit. It gave Willow a warm glow to know that she was making a difference with them. She knew that Spike often felt the same.

Grant was present for the meeting. Apparently, he was a member of a long-standing Watcher family and was planning on going into the business for himself. He was also very human and very normal.

Thankfully, Giles didn’t bring up Spike at all, other than to ask if he shouldn’t be there when Willow made the decision on whether or not to bring in a couple extra girls. “He said I could make the call,” Willow replied.

Other than that, they discussed the two new girls, both of whom had already had run-ins with the law because of their newfound strength. “I don’t think they’re dangerous,” Giles said, “but they need a firm hand. I thought about sending them to Faith, but neither of them speaks English.”

“Spike and I can handle them,” Willow replied confidently. “He’s good with the girls.”

Buffy’s face twisted slightly at his name. Willow knew her friend well enough to recognize regret when she saw it. “Are you sure this vampire should be teaching the Slayers?” Grant asked. “They’re pretty impressionable. It might be hard for them to stake vampires if their best friend is one.”

“Spike is different,” Willow replied coldly. “They know that.”

“Let it go, Grant,” Buffy said softly. “Willow’s right.”

“I just think—”

“That’s enough, Grant,” Giles ordered, his tone indicating that the subject was closed. “Willow is correct. Spike has proven himself.”

“It’s about time you all figured that out,” Dawn said cheerfully as she entered the room. Now that she and Spike had made up, they were pretty much back to normal. “I’m going over to see him.”

Buffy frowned. “Dawnie—”

“I know how to get myself around a foreign city,” Dawn replied, her voice firm. “Don’t worry about me.”

Willow watched Buffy’s face, and she realized that she might have been more right than she knew. There was both regret and longing in her friend’s eyes, and she wondered if Spike would want to stay behind after this visit was over.

~~~~~

Spike spent the day and the evening with Dawn. She stated firmly that they didn’t need him for the meeting, and that his job was to keep her entertained. Spike didn’t mind one bit.

Once the sun went down, he showed her the sights of the city. He took her to one of the underage clubs that the Slayers frequented. Dawn talked about coming to visit them on her next school holiday. It was comfortable.

At least, it was until she brought up Buffy. “I think she misses you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Spike replied, anger coloring his tone. “She dropped me quickly as she could to get that normal life she wanted so much. Can’t blame her,” he muttered.

“Don’t be stupid,” Dawn ordered. “Buffy is being an idiot. I mean, you guys—”

“I’m with Willow now,” Spike cut her off, surprising himself by meaning it.

Dawn gave him a questioning look, and then nodded, satisfied. “I’m glad. You look happier.”

Oddly enough, he felt happier.

~~~~~

Spike managed to avoid the others for the rest of the week. He had no desire to test his newfound independence with too much time spent in Buffy’s presence. Giles managed to corner him towards the end of the visit, commending him on a job well done with the Slayers and offering him a pay raise.

Spike didn’t refuse.

If he had to see Buffy, he made sure it was in the presence of Willow or Dawn, both of whom made it a point to stick close to his side. It was obvious that Grant was not won over, instead he made comments about the idiocy of trusting a vampire.

It wasn’t anything that Spike hadn’t heard before, and his skin was thickened by years of Scooby-generated insults.

In spite of his best efforts, however, Buffy managed to get him alone on the day before she was scheduled to depart. Spike had been waiting for Dawn in the hotel lobby, since they were supposed to go out for one more night on the town. Suddenly, Buffy was there in front of him, without her boyfriend.

“I wanted to talk to you,” she said quietly.

Spike couldn’t leave because he was waiting for Dawn, but he would have liked to. “So talk.”

“I think I might have made a mistake.”

He stared at her incredulously. “What?”

“I thought—I wanted a normal life,” Buffy admitted. “I see you here with Willow, and that’s what you guys have.”

Spike knew what she was saying, and he was suddenly angrier than he’d ever been before. “Stop.”

“What?”

“Don’t say it,” he spat. “Don’t you dare tell me that now you’ve seen what I have with your friend, you want me back.”

Buffy swallowed. “Spike, I’m sorry. I just—”

“You want to have your cake an’ eat it too,” he shot back. “You always want what you can’t have, Slayer. Well, guess what? You got what you wanted. You got the normal life with the normal bloke, and Willow got me.”

“You’re in love with her?” Buffy asked, a note of incredulity in her voice.

Spike shrugged. “I could be, given a bit of time. One thing I know for sure is that ‘m not in love with you anymore. A man can only take so much, Slayer. I’m finished.”

He could see the hurt in her eyes, and he knew that she saw him as one more guy that had left her. This time, however, Spike found himself unmoved, knowing that she had left him long ago. Or perhaps she’d never been with him in the first place. He had the sudden realization that Buffy hadn’t seen him, not all of him, and not the way that Willow did.

The Slayer was seeing him now, and she wanted him. It was about time that someone other than him ended up not getting what they wanted.

“Spike?” The voice behind him was Willow’s, and when he turned, Spike knew that she’d heard part of their conversation, enough of it to put a glow in her eyes.

“Just waitin’ for Dawn, luv.”

She smiled at him. “I’ll see you at home later then.”

“Sure you will.” He turned back to Buffy, only to find that she’d run off. Not that that was anything new either.

It was suddenly just a little easier to breathe, even though he didn’t need to.

~~~~~

Spike slipped inside the apartment late. He and Dawn had said their goodbyes, and she’d promised to visit the next time she got the chance. The girl had forced him to promise to call, or at least to get on the phone when Willow did.

Spike had the feeling that Dawn had had a chat with Willow about the frequency of calling.

The flat was quiet; it was late, and Willow had obviously not waited up for him. For a moment, Spike considered going into his own room, but he just as quickly discarded the thought. He wanted to be close to her tonight, even if it was just to hold her as she slept.

He stripped and slid into bed next to her, reaching out a cautious hand to pull her close, gratified when she rolled over to snuggle up next to him. “How was your night?” Willow asked sleepily.

“Good.” Spike pulled her closer yet, placing a kiss on her head. “You heard?”

“You and Buffy? Most of it,” she replied. “Did you mean it?”

“Every word.”

“Good, because I think I might be in the same boat.” She pressed her lips to his bare shoulder. “You gonna stay?”

Spike closed his eyes, just enjoying the warmth of her body against his bare skin. “Think I might.”

Maybe this wouldn’t last. Maybe they wouldn’t always feel this way. Maybe they would always be friends, but they wouldn’t always be lovers. It was impossible to tell, and Spike had never cared much for speculating on the future anyway.

All that mattered for the moment was that Spike felt the first stirrings of happiness. He placed another kiss on Willow’s head before slipping down into sleep.

This was enough for now.

__


End file.
